And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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