You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
