so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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