I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
