Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Randomize
