I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
wow bdsm is so cute
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