ya dads aren't the best wingmen
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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