She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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