I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
