omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
