well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
