I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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