when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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