the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
