no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
