apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
