I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
