never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
