Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
