If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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