this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Nobody cheats on THIS.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
