I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
