who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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