Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
