Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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