I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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