you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
