i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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