saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
