remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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