i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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