the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
