you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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