I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
