Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize