I just saw a hot homeless man
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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