What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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