He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
