i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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