I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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