the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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