remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
she woke up with a sticky ear
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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