I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
