Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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