Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
