The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
MIDGETS
????
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
