If i come over, it means nothing
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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