nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Holy shit dude........stairs
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
