shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Swine flu is the new snow day.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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