I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize
