my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
