meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
