You made me cry and you don't even care
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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