I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
