Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
This toilet bowl is my home.
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