ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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