Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
