my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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