I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
