I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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