Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Randomize
