I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He's on the porch naked. Help.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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